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Frequently asked questions
Gentle BDSM is the notion of applying gentleness to the mindset of a BDSM dynamic. It's a scene mindset, not a specific group of practices within BDSM. Although we do not presume to shame anyone who prefers a non-gentle approach to these practices, our goal is to focus on them in association with a few key-words: a strong sense of care, consideration and affection, to create a supportive and affirmative environment that brings a feeling of safety to those involved, even when practicing kinks that could be seen as harsher. Proper aftercare for everyone involved in a scene, for example, is a cornerstone of what we see as gentle BDSM.
Some kinks, generally perceived as harsher (like violence, humiliation and degradation), can be sensitive topics to some people within this community - which doesn't mean they are not welcome or can't happen in a gentle context. We believe nearly everything can be done gently, as long as the key-words mentioned here are contemplated.
This is an extremely common question, but obviously there is no single, definitive answer.
A common approach is to look for this on dating apps or dedicated websites, but even then it can be difficult to encounter someone who is open about their kinks. Sadly there is still much prejudice and taboo surrounding most kinks, making people somewhat hesitant to expose them, even on dating apps.
As pointed out by Reddit user Moth, on this (https://www.reddit.com/r/gentlefemdom/comments/fweu22/how_to_find_dominant_women_an_essay/)essay, any person can be interested in any type of kink. It's not possible to determine that just by looking at them, or by analyzing the way they speak or behave. With that in mind, the best steps to follow if you are looking for a relationship that encompasses a certain set of kinks are very similar to what you should do for any other intimate relationship.
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Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Safety must be a core principle of any BDSM practice, but it's important to point out RACK, because "safety" can be misinterpreted as a lack of risks. There are always risks (in some activities more than others), and one should know about them before engaging anything, as well as do their best to minimize potentially undesirable outcomes.
Personal responsibility, informed consensual kink. It was created as a compliment to RACK, aiming to emphasize one's personal responsibility over their informed consent. Like SSC, another questionable concept, since it may imply there is a 50/50 split of responsibility on any type of activity, which is not always fair or realistic (see a more elaborate take on this here)(javascript:void(0)).
The term vanilla is sometimes used by members of the BDSM community to describe a sexual behavior that isn't considered kinky or doesn't refer to a specific fetish. Some classic examples of that would include sex in more traditional positions (such as missionary or cow girl), without any props or power dynamics involved.
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The dominant person in a relationiship with some degree of power exchange. Dom usually refers to a male or gender nonconforming individual, while domme implies a female dominator. The term "dominatrix" is seldom used since the last decade (according to Google Trends and anecdotal evidence), although still being recognized by older individuals as an alternative for "domme".
Male dominance is known as maledom, while female dominance is called femdom. When the person dominating is non-binary, an ungendered term you can use is themdom.
The title top is usually assigned to someone performing an action or taking the lead during a given section, while bottom is the counterpart receiving the action or following along the scene. Top/bottom does not necessarily imply, however, that the top side is dominant and the bottom one is submissive. The top may just be following previous instructions provided by the bottom.
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Master or Mistress/slave is used to signalize an extreme position in the power exchange spectrum, implying the dominant side has complete control and authority over the submissive (keep in mind this is only valid if both sides are in total agreement with this dynamic, otherwise it's a toxic/abusive and potentially illegal scenario). It can also be related to total power exchange (TPE).
Service subs (just as the "service" counterparts for other roles) focus on providing assistance to their partner in non-sexual ways, although there may be a sexual reward linked to such activities. An example would be a sub who does the laundry for their domme, expecting to be rewarded in a sexual way (or not).
Sometimes the term is also applied in a context of providing extreme care and attention to a partner, as well as not attempting to struggle for control (as opposed to brats). In the case of a service top, this can also be used to describe something like providing a handjob to the benefit of one's partner (as a means of relaxation after a stressful day, for example), as if doing so to "take care" of them.
Another very common question, often stemming from personal insecurity. Be reassured: there is no checklist to complete in order to complete in order to be a good sub, other than what you would expect from any decent human being, such as honesty, being reasonable and respectful of your established relationship terms, doing your best to keep clear communication at all appropriate times, etc.
Another very common question, but a pointless one. People who ask this are usually insecure about themselves. Don't be. There is no checklist to complete in order to be a good dom(me), other than what you would expect from any decent human being, such as honesty, being reasonable and respectful of your established relationship terms, doing your best to keep clear communication at all appropriate times, etc.
Yes, dominance and submission are states of mind behind a relationship dynamic, not related to any specific physical attributes on either side. While some people may have personal preferences regarding physical attributes, there is absolutely no way to generalize what those are for each role.
Some people, for example, feel even more excited when dominating a bigger or physically stronger sub. Others will prefer the opposite.
Yes, dominance and submission are states of mind behind a relationship dynamic, not related to any specific physical attributes on either side. While some people may have personal preferences regarding physical attributes, there is absolutely no way to generalize that.
Some people, for example, feel even more excited when being dominated by a smaller or physically weaker dom(me). Others will prefer the opposite.
Soft limits are activities that do not seem particularly enticing to you, but ones you might be willing to try in case it's an important kink to your partner.
Hard limits are activities that you either find too repulsive to try, or things related to personal traumas you may have.
In other words, soft limits are a "maybe", while hard limits are a solid "no".
Consensual Non-Consent. When it is previously agreed upon that the submissive will pretend not to give consent during a given scene, but just as a part of the play itself.
It is considered an advanced BDSM practice, and one of the most popular (and controversial) examples of its applications is rape-play. That is not to say every type of CNC involves rape-play, considering that implies forced penetration. A CNC scene might involve any sort of coercion roleplay.
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Caregiver/little. It implies one side takes care of and oversees the activities of the other, usually either in a Daddy dom/little girl (DD/lg) or a Mommy domme/little boy (MD/lb) dynamic. Although it can be, this does not always mean ageplay (pretending to be of a different age, eg. younger). That means the "little" is not necessarily going to roleplay a younger version of themselves, but rather a type of submission in which they are somewhat reliant on the dominant side for either tasks, decisions or emotional support in general.
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